


schrödinger's marvel

by Macremae



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Ghost Drifting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mako Mori Lives, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24389977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macremae/pseuds/Macremae
Summary: I should have known. Or at least now I should have listened. But do you want it to be like this for the rest of your life?I don’t really have a choice, do I.That doesn’t matter. Now I’m listening, so tell me: where does it hurt?The first time they talkーreallytalkー in ten years happens when Hermann finally manages to close his eyes.
Relationships: Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb
Comments: 7
Kudos: 68





	schrödinger's marvel

**Author's Note:**

> you know when you have a shit ton of dialogue ideas in your notes app but no desire to write a fic around them, so necessity births invention and you come up with a concept that allows you to shove all of them in the same story with minimal actual prose? where's my diploma for THAT breakthrough

_Either tell me you love me or tell me the truth, but you have to pick one._

_What makes you think those two are separate?_

_Because the first one would give us a very different story._

* * *

“Dream Ghost Drift?” asks Jake skeptically, raising an eyebrow at Hermann’s earnest expression. “Gottlieb, that’s been seen in close pairs, yeah, but you and Geiszler haven’t Drifted for nearly a decade, and even then only once. How could you still have a connection with him after all this time?”

“I would be delighted to research why that is after we capitalize on this,” Hermann says briskly, rubbing his thumb over the head of his cane in a nervous, circular motion. “This is exactly the kind of evidence we need to prove that Newton is innocent, and begin making real steps towards getting him released from the Precursors. We have a witness testimony now; difficult to acquire, yes, but there all the same. It would be foolish not to at least try what we can.”

“And how do we know it’s not just the Precursors?” Jake says, which Hermann knew very well he would. He sets his mouth in a straight line.

“In every kind of contact they have made with meーwhich yes, Ranger Pentecost, they have, to an infinitesimal degree,” he says off of Jake’s expression, “it has been through nightmares and contained entirely to when I am asleep. I have nowhere near the kind of established connection that Newton’s brain was forced to develop, and thus am perfectly able to discern who is who. This is Newton. I can and will stake anything you ask on it.”

Jake rubs a hand over the right side of his face and lets out a sigh. “I’ll see who I can get interested in looking into it, Gottlieb. I mean, I believe you, I really do, and if it can help Geiszler then I’m all for it, but we’ve got to be smart about this. Not everyone is on his side.”

Sometimes, Hermann isn’t too sure that Jake is, either, but he holds his tongue and nods. “Thank you, then. I’ll continue to speak to him.”

Surprise flashes across Jake’s face. “You’re talking to him? Like, an actual conversation?”

Hermann glances away for a moment. “Not… exactly. But I’m hoping we can progress to that. The more they realize their plan has failed, the less they should want to keep their hold on Newton.”

Or, he’s worried in the most sleepless corners of his longest nights, they’ve decided to drag him down with them.

* * *

_Did you like it?_

_What?_

_Drifting with them. You told me it made you feel… made you feel alive. I thought when you Drifted with the brain fragment the first time it was horribleーyou said you couldn’t do it again. What changed?_

_Nothing._

_What do you mean?_

_Nothing changed. It still hurt. More, actually, as the years went on and they learned how to get really creative with the whole “We’re going to destroy everything you know and love” thing._

_Then why did you try it again in the first place?_

_I dunno. I thought it would reset my brain? I wanted to make all the terrifying shit I know now they were the ones doing to me stop? It still hurt?_

_That’s not an answer._

_Like fuck it’s not an answer; you wouldn’t understand._

_Yes; I have lived nearly every day for as long as I can remember in pain, spent cumulatively years in medical environments to try and lessen it somewhat, and will continue to have to work around it for the rest of my life. Forgive me if I’m a bit skeptical that pain like that is something to be desired._

_That’s just it, though. It wasn’t like that. It was… I dunno. Damage control._

_Itーit made things better?_

_No, it didn’t, and that was the point. Literally controlling the damage by doing it myself. Everything hurt; I couldn’t find a source for it, and it didn’t stop, and at least with the Drifting I could focus it all down and have a choice, at first. And yeah, I know, I know. That’s not living. But when I feel that much it’s not being alive. It’s breathing while on fire. Hurting myself was the only way to bring things down to what I assumed to be a normal human existence. That’s why I said it made me feel alive. Because the rest of it was either no feeling at all, or everything all at once._

_That sounds awful._

_It is._

_Why didn’t you tell me?_

_I thought I did. In what world would me leaving you be anything other than a warning sign?_

* * *

Hermann is one of the few people privy to the knowledge that Mako is still alive, which he allows himself to abuse just this once in order to ask a question that’s been weighing on his mind. He shifts in his desk chair, the lab too quiet even after all the interns and assistants have left. He considers turning on music, just to fill the silence.

“Do you think he’ll be alright?” he asks tentatively. “After all of this?”

The warm, idyllic interior of Mako and Raleigh’s cabin flickers behind her with the spotty connection. Mako considers this for a moment, then lets her shoulders fall.

“I don’t know, Dr. Gottlieb. I really don’t. There isn’t a precedent for this kind of situation, and all I can offer is to help where I can.” She frowns. “Have you told him? About me and Raleigh?”

Hermann shakes his head. “I will when he’s regained full control; I don’t want to think about what the Precursors would do to him if they knew they’d failed. I know he must be wracked with guilt, though.” He swallows hard. “I’m sure he thinks your death is his fault.”

“And everything else,” Mako says quietly. “There’s the urge to place a lot of the blame on yourself, when you survive a loss like this. And to keep those feelings hidden.”

“Well, Newton’s always been the emotional sort,” Hermann says, trying for a lighthearted tone but unable to fully support it. He’s noticed the flat way that Newton speaks when they talk, the way he pulls his face together whenever his voice rises, and how he almost appears to force a layer of calm over his body. In their minds, the pretenses that come with a physical form are stripped away, but even there Newton still seems determined to put up a mask. It sends a twist through Hermann’s stomach.

“You should come visit us,” says Mako, drawing him out of his thoughts, “when you can. It’s beautiful out here; there’s no one else for miles, and we’re not too far from a waterfall. Newt would love it. Nature would do him some good, I think.”

Hermann nods. “I’m sure he’ll be quite eager to be anywhere other than indoors.” He winces, remembering the harsh lights and garish colors from the photos of the Precursors’ apartment. “Or at least with sunlight.”

“Have you spoken to him?” she asks, then clarifies, “Outside of the Ghost Drift.”

Hermann sighs. “No. I’ve seen flashes while speaking to the Precursors, but they’re mostly physical. Those creatures aren’t going down without a fight, it seems.”

“Neither will he,” Mako says encouragingly, and Hermann can’t help but smile.

“When I’m able, I’ll tell him you say hello. Thank you, Mrs. Mori.”

“Take care, Dr. Gottlieb. We send our love,” she says, and then the screen goes dark. Hermann lets his smile fall and closes his laptop to press his forehead to the cool surface of the desk. His breath makes condensation on the metal, but he can’t be bothered to wipe it away. He wonders if it would be worth it to fall asleep here, just to speak to Newton a little sooner.

Assuming, of course, that Newton wants to speak to him at all.

Hermann runs a hand through his hair and pushes himself up, taking his cane in one hand and his laptop in the other. He’ll review a few more sections of code before bed. Just to feel as if he’s accomplished anything other than running in circles, trying to catch answers that were just a trick of the light.

* * *

_Are you angry with me?_

_What? No. Of course not. Why would I be mad at you? I can’t._

_Well of course you can. You’d have every reason to._

_What are you talking about?_

_You aren’t the slightest bit upset that I didn’t notice you were spiraling into self-destruction so deeply that they were able to take over your mind? That I was completely ignorant to your pain? That everyone was?_

_Stop._

_It doesn’t hurt that no one discovered them in time to rescue you, and their plan had to nearly succeed for anyone to realize that the person they had been celebrating for ten years wasn’t you? You’re not angry they were so willing to accept such a drastic change without debate?_

_Just stop, please, okay, it doesn’t matter; I’m fine. It’s fine._

_They’ll expect you to forgive them instantly and either acquiesce to every demand in blind gratefulness for amnesty that never should have had to be granted to you in the first place, or completely return to your old self and pretend that nothing has happened, and you’re perfectly alright with that?_

_Yes, I am, and you can stop because I don’t care and you can’t make me careー_

_You don’t think you deserve better?_

_I don’t think I deserve to be breathing right now!_

_You don’t mean that._

_You’re asking me what I do and don’t think; there you go! Fuck you! That’s exactly what I mean! How do you think I survived this, huh? By thinking of everything that should have happened, and could have if people actually gave a shit about me? By letting myself be angry, which by the way, you’re right, I’m very, very fucking angry, but that’s not convenient for everybody else, and that’s not going to get me out of a billion lifetimes prison sentence, so it doesn’t exist right now, okay? I didn’t survive ten years of fucking mind control by talking about my feelings! You know what I did?_

_What._

_I put my hands over my face, and held my breath, and counted to ten. And I let myself be sad, and scared, and angry, and then I got to ten, and the pity party was over. Because when you’re trying to stop the world from ending? That’s how much a bunch of fucking feelings are worth. So if you want me to tell you how I really feel, then start counting._

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

_No, I am; I shouldn't haveー_

_I should have known. Or at least now I should have listened. But do you want it to be like this for the rest of your life?_

_I don’t really have a choice, do I._

_That doesn’t matter. Now I’m listening, so tell me: where does it hurt?_

_I am so tired of just living my life counting to ten._

* * *

“You almost missed your flight?” Hermann says incredulously, and Karla laughs; a big, unabashed, bright sound that he finds a welcome comfort in all this.

“Caught up in my book, if you can believe it,” she says, gesturing with her hand before picking up her paper cup of tea. “I’m sitting there in the terminal, bag right next to me, all prepared with an hour to spare, and the time just disappears like that! Next thing you know I’m sprinting to try and get to the gate while holding my bag with one hand, my spot in the book with the otherー”

“Priorities,” says Hermann flatly, and she rolls her eyes.

“ _And_ , nearly half a moment after I sit down, we take off. Thank heavens I was wearing my trainers.”

Hermann smiles into his own cup and takes a sip, feeling warmth rush through him despite the chilly air. “Well thank you for coming, nevertheless,” he says. Karla grins widely.

“The only man I’d run through an airport for is you, darling. Be honored.”

“Oh, I am,” he replies sarcastically. “Now you can bully me in person instead of over the phone. However did I stand the wait.”

She elbows him gently, which lands somewhere around his shoulder with the height difference. “Hush. Now tell me how you’ve been.”

Hermann takes another sip for fortitude and presses his lips together, letting them slide back into place from the pressure. “I am taking a great deal of Aspirin,” he says delicately, anticipating the second laugh it will provoke from her.

“Oh dear,” Karla says, putting a hand to her mouth in some attempt at decorum. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is it really that bad?”

“My Drift partnerー”

“Love of your life, now, let’s not be coy about it.”

“ _Close friend_ ,” says Hermann with a glare, “is currently being held captive by a team of thuggish, incompetent military pencil-pushers and brutes who want nothing more than to interrogate the aliens in his mind and then shove him in a government hall closet. I have a Drift with him in under a week, a report to present on why it should happen due in less than that, and I have discovered sixteen new grey hairs since last month. If you did not bring me alcohol, you are no longer my sister.”

“There is a _stupid_ expensive whiskey in my luggage that I barely got past security,” says Karla wryly, and Hermann heaves a sigh of relief. “You may have seven-eighths of it, as I am terribly jet-lagged.”

“Whatever would I do without you?”

“Be endlessly boring, probably.” She puts a hand on his shoulder. “You are taking care of yourself though, _Brüderchen_?”

“By two minutes,” Hermann says on reflex, then processes what she’s said and lets his shoulders slump slightly. “It’s not about me, Karla. I’m not the one trapped and in pain, and with my freedom in question.”

“No,” she says plainly, “you’re simply working yourself half to death without any plan as to what you’ll do when you collapse on your way to go Drift with him.” Her hand moves up and down comfortingly; one of the few people Hermann allows such a gesture from. “If Newt could see you now, he would be furious at how poorly you’re taking care of yourself. Imagine how insufferably doting he’ll be when he finds out.” She winks.

A small, intensely shameful part of Hermann pictures Newton carefully running his hands over the steadily-tightening knots in his back, and feels a rush of longing. He shakes it off. “I can promise a genuine effort towards more regular meals. Does that satisfy you?”

Karla shakes her head sadly. “I wish you could see that when we say we care about you, Hermann, it’s not just lip service. You might not be thinking of them now, but Newton wasn’t the only one hurting during those ten years.”

Hermann feels a rush of anger flare up inside him. “What I may or may not have felt cannot even _begin_ to compare to what he went throughー”

Karla holds up her hands defensively. “I didn’t say that. I said he wasn’t the only one hurting. You were depressed and lonely and drowning yourself in your work. That takes its toll.”

Hermann frowns, aware deep down that she’s right. “Maybe so, but that can always come later. I have to get him back first.”

“Which you can’t do if the candle’s burnt twice as fast.” She puts her cup of tea down and reaches for his hand. “Hermann, I love you. He loves you. If for no one else, do it for us, alright?”

“A bit presumptuous on that second one,” Hermann grumbles, but nods his head anyway. The promised regular meals, then. And perhaps a nap very, _very_ rarely. Every once and awhile. If only for productivity’s sake.

* * *

_So we’re Drifting tomorrow, then._

_Yes._

_Okay. Okay. Then there’s something I need to tell you._

_You don’t have toー_

_No, I have to say it, because I know you don’t believe me, or you think it’s just the guilt, but I’m serious. The only thing that got me through those ten years was you. I didn’t know if I was gonna be able to save the world, or even save myself, but you were the endgame._

_You can’t mean that._

_You think I’m saying this for any kind of reciprocity? Look at me. Look at what I’ve fucking done._

_Notー_

_Just stop, okay? I’m not doing this because I’m delusional. I know whaーwho I am. And I know you’re just doing this because it’s the right thing to do, and you’re an incredible, really, really good person, and that’s fine. I promise, it’s fine. And someone like that deserves to know how important they are, so I’m telling you._

_You’re an idiot._

_What?_

_Do you think I would let anyone nearly asphyxiate me just to touch them again for the first time in ten years? And yes, yes, I still am firm that it wasn’t youーthat’s not the point._

_Then what is?_

_The point is that you are obstinate; you assume my love for you doesn’t exist simply because you haven’t bothered to look._

_I’m not gonna be invasive, dude, and alsoー_

_This is extremely uncomfortable and frightening for me; would you please give me a moment! Thank you. Do not assume I don’t love you back if you’re not willing to ask. I refuse to live my life with you afraid of any part of me, because I know that is not true. You were the first person I Drifted with, and remain the only one. They ran from that because they knew you wouldn’t._

_Yeah. Duh. I’ve seen you with chalk dust in your hair._

_And you with Blue in yours. We are going to get you out of there tomorrow, and I will not be leaving that place without you by my side._

_I know. I’ll always come with you. And Hermann, Iー_

_Tell me tomorrow. Then I’ll know it’s you._

* * *

When Newt bursts out of the Drift, gasping in sync with Hermann while the machines around them beep wildly, the first words out of his mouth are, “I love you.” Herman’s face breaks into a smile like the sun coming out, and he stumbles out of his chair and onto Newt’s, fumbling in the code to undo his restraints as Newt tries to kiss him and repeat himself at the same time.

“I missed you,” Hermann half-sobs into his shoulder, and Newt would respond to that, but no other words are coming out.

"I love you," he says, because he wantsー no, fuck that; he _needs_ that to be the first thing Hermann hears from him, the memory that colors this moment forever. "I love you." He says it again and again and again; Newt has counted every single time the words stopped when they hit the walls of his mind, and then before when the fear was stronger, and even if it takes the rest of his life to do so, he will say it for every single one.


End file.
